On Evolving
It sure is dusty in here. I’m clearing the cobwebs and dust bunnies off this blog once and for all (she says as she pictures herself already abandoning this blog in a few months). It isn’t for lack of want, but because as a thirty-something, it is really hard to prioritize these things. I am good at task organization — hell, it was my job for years! I love systems and structure. So it’s not that I don’t know how to prioritize as much as it is that I cannot prioritize. We are all simply doing too much. Capitalism, the 40-hour work week, hustle culture, using distractions as a replacement for introspection, wanting to have a social life, caring for others, caring for yourself… I can’t really pin down if it’s just EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, or what.
I find it hard to give myself time to write regularly, to work on personal projects, and to create without instant gratification. On the daily list of clean yourself up; take care of the pets; go to work; show up as a partner, daughter and friend; pay the bills; cook some food; clean the house; exercise; get restful sleep; and maybe get to turn your brain off by treating yourself to a book, movie, or TV show; where does one fit in literally anything else?
But — and if you know me, you know it’s a big but — I am everchanging, evolving. I thrive on self-improvement. I actually can see the day I can manage to juggle it all. It. All of it. Is this pure delusion? Is this a “reach for the sky and you’ll land among the stars” manifestation? Is it hope? I’m not really sure. Even so, I continue to try and better myself day by day, year by year. Behavioral change is hard work. I owe it to therapy and the strong women in my life to have the malleable mindset of open-mindedness. As a Type A / perfectionist / millennial / whatever else I owe it to, even though I have the capacity to change for the better, I am also impatient. What’s funny is that I am actually a somewhat patient person with others. Somewhat. When it comes to myself and my goals, I want it and I want it now!
I can no longer say it is the beginning of 2024, and nonetheless, this year I want to really notice the small changes. The ones that lead to big changes. Saving $1 every day, so that after a decade you have over $3,500. (Even I kinda want to eye roll at that). I know I am not the only one who feels trapped and/or doomed to never reach their goals. It comes down to privilege and accessibility. And when it all feels like it’s burning down, it’s hard to keep your eye on the prize.
This is silly, but something that has really helped with this is an app where every day I check off the simple things. Woke up before 8:30 am; took a walk; washed my face; did some yoga. Once I feel like I’ve been keeping up with a task, I level it up. Woke up before 8 am; took a 20-minute walk; washed my face and moisturized; did a 30-minute yoga session. I started at the end of 2023, and I am full of pride reflecting on the evolution of little habits becoming big changes. Is any of this groundbreaking? Absolutely not. But what it does make room for is competition — not against others, but against yourself. I love that notion.
Now to bring it all back to this specific post…
I am such a different person than when this whole thing got started. I’ve deleted many old posts because the Maria who wrote them feels like a total stranger. It’s a bit scary yet invigorating to notice that. My surroundings, connections, thoughts and feelings are all so different, so evolved. And in another five years I may be thinking the same thing.